It's Not About You. It's About Me!
By Kat Miller
ADJUST is to create balance; assume or carry a burden; handle uncomfortable or unpleasant conditions (dispel discomfort).
Ever wonder why a total stranger pushes into you? Why the cashier at the store makes a snide remark to you? Why the bank teller isn’t listening to you? Are you too small? Are you insignificant? Why are you not heard? Why?
Why? Because it’s not about you. It’s about me. Remember that and your life will be much easier.
When you realize that every single interaction with another human being (or even plant or animal for that matter) is about the self, life becomes much easier. This means both positive and negative interactions. It is always about the self.
Look at a love relationship. Each partner appears to really care deeply about the other, often willing to do about anything for their mate. Surely, it is about selflessness. Nope. There is always a gain. There is always a reason why each is in the relationship. When there is no gain for one or both, the relationship ends. What then is this gain? Comfort. Bonuses are good feelings, happiness and sharing. The bonuses accentuate and solidify the relationship, but comfort is what keeps it together. Even a relationship where there seems no happiness and yet the couple stays together, there is a comfort there. Comfort in knowing where you are. Comfort in knowing what you are. Comfort in knowing what to expect. We’re all uncomfortable with the unknown, and so comfort is why some people stay in harsh relationships. They leave only when there is no comfort left.
A love relationship is a very selfish relationship. AND the BEST love relationship is the love relationship that has two of the MOST selfish (and enlightened) people in it. How can I say that? Because an enlightened selfish person is one who realizes the wisdom behind the statements “what goes around comes around” and “you reap what you sow.” Two enlightened selfish people will mesh very well together. Each will be looking out for the other, doing their best to help keep the other comfortable and happy because they know in doing so they are rewarded with the same.
Now selfishness in an unenlightened person is a different story. One who doesn’t realize that by sharing and giving they are multiplying what is shared and given to them will tend to turn in on themselves. They are jealous of others who have what they think they want. They may take things from others or do things to others in their quest for comfort, thereby making others uncomfortable. You know that really is all selfishness is – a quest for comfort.
All social relationships boil down to self. It is NEVER about you. It is ALWAYS about me.
Want more proof? Look at work for instance: Your boss loves you. You’re always getting great reviews, extra perks, etc. Why? Because you are doing a job that makes your boss look good. Your boss is enlightened. Your boss knows that if you make them look good and you are rewarded chances are you will continue to do what you’re doing and they will continue to look good. They reward you to make sure that they continue to get rewarded. It’s not about you. It’s about me (boss).
Even in the parent/child relationship it’s the same. The child is uncomfortable. So what does the child do? The child makes the parent uncomfortable by crying. Now what happens? The parent does everything they can to stop the crying and make the child comfortable. Once the child is quiet and comfortable, the parent again is comfortable. It’s not about you. It’s about me (parent).
In the child/parent relationship it’s still the same. The child does something that makes the parent uncomfortable. If it is something the parent does not wish to have repeated, the parent will do something to make the child uncomfortable in order to change the behavior. Now, even if the child liked doing whatever it was that made the parent uncomfortable, they won’t repeat the behavior because the behavior made the parent uncomfortable and in return the parent made the child uncomfortable. Once again, it’s not about you. It’s about me (child).
So, the next time someone ruffles your feathers, takes you out of your comfort zone and you find yourself starting to get irritated or angry, remember it’s not about you. It’s about me (the person who ruffled your feathers). Perhaps if you react unexpectedly, and put them into a more comfortable position you will find a new friend. Perhaps you can enlighten them, so that both of you can be comfortably selfish.
When you find yourself in a social situation where you feel uncomfortable use the Switchword ADJUST. Besides the help it may provide you, others around you who are uncomfortable may also relax and ADJUST.
The comfortably enlightened, selfish Kat.